Unmotivated

I suppose it’s gonna happen. There’s gonna be those days. A case of the blahs. You just don’t want to do a darned thing. Today is one of those days.

It’s not that I don’t have any energy. Physically, I feel fine. Emotionally and mentally, I feel lethargic. I could easily waste these three hours before work on Facebook or Instagram. I could surf the web reading stuff that could be helpful, but more than likely I would find something negative, and that would rile my emotions up, and I’ll be mad at the world, and then latter scowl at customers, thinking, “Why are you bothering me? Go away! Shoo!” I’ll then hear my co-workers complain, and I’ll join in. We’ll create a symphony of cacophony.

There are a thousand and one things I’d rather be doing. Even organizing my sock drawer seems exciting. I could go get that root canal that I can’t afford. Maybe there will be a summons to jury duty in my mail box? I really just want to crawl back into bed and sleep the day away….and that thought is what wakes me up.

You see, I hate the idea of wasting a day away. I don’t know if it’s part of a mid life crisis thing, but knowing that I’m well over the other side of the halfway point in my life definitely shocks my senses. I want my waking life to be about something, anything but regret and remorse. I’m not one of those who feels like he has to purchase a sports car or go skydiving in order to feel alive. A walk in the park will do fine. So will a meal with a friend, or two hours in a movie theater. I’m kinda low maintenance like that. There are definitely bigger things I want to accomplish, and the reflecting one does at this time of the year definitely speaks to that.

Some days it’s kind of hard to connect the smaller things you do over the course of a day to the bigger things you have hope for. The ten minutes I spent meditating this morning were scattered, my budget I corrected seemed insignificant, and even the words I’m typing now seem like a self conscious pity party rather something uplifting and inspiring for others.

So, I say all of that to say this….there are going to be those kind of days. More than a few. The trick is not to change the course of momentum, or go back into resting inertia. More than likely, I am numb to the effect any steady drip is having on my life in these moments.

In the spiritual arena, these days are called Dark Nights of the Soul. There are days that one just does not “feel” the presence of God, any awareness is null and void. that doesn’t negate the presence of God. it just requires a faith to move on despite the feeling. It takes a bit of faith to get moving. You cling on to a sliver of hope.

Thirty minutes ago, this was a blank page with not an inkling of an idea how to proceed. A little bit of faith and some movement…and there you go.